Just This Once
by ZeGabz
Summary: Short tag to 5x01, Ascension


**A/N: A tag to the heartbreaking 5x01- "Ascension"**

* * *

She has to use her key to get into his place.

It's no messier than usual, at least to any normal observer, but Kensi Blye knows better. She knows Deeks better. His shoes aren't at their normal perch near his doormat, and Monty's bone, which he always makes sure is out of the way, is laying in the middle of the living room floor. The blinds are half-open, and the television is on, but the volume is down.

"I just want you to know that the place I went to escape the pain.. it was you."

She wishes she had been able to say something, anything, back in the bullpen. But the words had caught in her throat as she watched the happiest, kindest, most carefree and genuine man she has ever met crumble before her very eyes.

He hadn't spoken much during drinks the previous night, instead opting to sit next to her and smile when Sam or Callen made a joke. She could feel his eyes on her the entire time, so she tried to smile and laugh as much as possible, tried to let herself comfort him without comforting him.

When his hand reached for hers, she squeezed it tightly and didn't let go for the rest of the night.

She wanders farther into his living room and finds him asleep on his couch, a blanket curled around his body and an arm flung carelessly over his face. His eyes move under his eyelids, as if in the midst of a nightmare, so Kensi gingerly walks over to him and kneels down beside the couch. Not daring to touch him, she gently begins to murmur his name.

"Deeks . . . Deeks, it's me, Kensi. Wake up, you're okay," she whispers. His eyes open slowly, and she can't help but flinch when he starts upon seeing her before relaxing slightly.

"How'd you get in?" he asks quietly.

Kensi holds up her key. "Key," she admits with a tiny smile which he does not return. "How was your day?"

His eyebrows rise slightly. "You really want the answer to that question, Kens?" he asks, pulling himself up into a sitting position.

"If you're willing to give it," Kensi answers determinedly, rising and sitting next to him on the couch. "For the record . . . my day sucked."

"Really?" Deeks asks, a trickle of amusement lighting up his eyes. Kensi nods vigorously, jumping at the chance to make him smile at least a little bit.

"Yeah . . . Sam and Callen got put on paperwork duty, so Hetty had me go and clean out the team's spare weapon supply," she dishes, nudging him gently. "I was so, so bored without you there to tell me about your boy band days."

"I wouldn't think you'd miss that," Deeks mutters, although there's a slight teasing glint in his eyes.

"I miss everything about you when you're not around," Kensi replies immediately, before realizing what she's saying. Deeks turns to look at her then, bruised eyes wide. Kensi once again finds herself at a loss for words, having said too many. "Do you want to-"

"Talk? No." He takes a deep, steadying breath. "It won't help, anyways." A little shard of panic rises in her chest, and Kensi is suddenly slammed with memories of Jack not wanting to talk, of Jack walking away and never coming back . . .

"It can, you just-" she tries with no control over what she is saying, a little voice in the back of her mind telling her to back the hell off.

"Kens, you're speaking from the internet and textbooks. Talking isn't going to help me. I just need to _get away_, and-"

"Alienate everyone who l- who cares about you?" Kensi demands. Deeks shrinks back into the couch, and she groans, burying her head in her hands. "I'm sorry."

"It's too much," Deeks whispers, his voice thin and weak. "I don't know how- what- I just don't know, Kensi. And I know I'm pushing you away, but-"

"Do what you need to do to get better," Kensi interrupts quietly

Meeting her eyes, Deeks takes her hands in his slowly, one by one, and brings them to rest against his heart. She closes her eyes and zones in and the gentle beating.

_Thump._

"I know I'm usually the one who says that I'll hep you get through this, the one who says everything will be okay," Deeks says in a half-broken whisper.

_Thump._

"But I can't be that person right now, Kensi."

_Thump._

"Can you be that person for me, just this once?" he begs softly, releasing her hands. "Please. I don't know how to deal with any of this, and I just . . . I need to know that you won't leave." Not breaking his gaze, Kensi lifts her released hands up to gently cradle his face, careful not to touch any of the tender areas.

"I'm not going anywhere," she whispers. She leans back, figuring Deeks wants to be left alone, but as she stands his voice comes meekly from behind her.

"Could . . . could you stay, Kens?" he asks quietly. Kensi looks at him, tears brimming in her eyes not just for her partner, but for the man she knows could very well be her future. And as terrifying as it is, to have someone that vital to her, she knows she'll never deny him anything. He would do the same for her.

"Just this once," says her mouth, but her eyes say, "Always."


End file.
